Jesus saves... and he also BLOCKS!
I got approached on the street by one of those big fans of Jesus today. He shoved his photocopied Jesus pamphlet at me and told me to “Be more like JE-Sus!"
(It's never "Jesus," by the way... it's always "JE-sus!" "Jesus" is for the people who go to church only on the big holidays, but "JE-Sus!" is for the real Jesus buffs.)
I like those people, just like I like the clearly-out-to-steal-your-iPhone mobs of teens and the obnoxious drunks and the crazy-eyed people shouting at the pigeons and squirrels on the streets.
Because they make it fun to walk … it's entertaining trying to avoid them at all costs. Kind of like playing Pac Man and trying to avoid Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde or -- HEAR THE PAC MAN DYING SOUND EFFECT IN YOUR HEAD -- you get assaulted.
Without people like that, walking would be boring... you'd just have to look at trees and architecture and crazy-only-on-the-inside people and YAWWWWN.
But these JE-Sus people on the street -- and on TV, and in the far reaches of my own family for that matter -- have long been telling me to, “Follow JE-Sus! Be more like JE-sus!”
So I'm finally doing it!
I'm growing a beard.
I'm not sure what setting Jesus used on his clippers though, because in some pictures his beard looks like a 10-day and in other pictures it looks like a 30-day. (The Jesus lovers never tell you the important details like that... and when I ask they look at me like I'm the crazy one!)
But I'm going for the 10-day beard, because I read this recent study that found that women think men with 10-day beards are most attractive... more attractive than those who are clean-shaven, who have just a few days of stubble, or have full-blown ZZ Top beards.
So I'll kill two birds with one stone... I'll be more like Jesus while ALSO attracting the ladies!
(Or I guess I should say, I'll raise two birds from the dead with one stone, if I'm being more Jesus-like about it.)
Next I'm going to get one of those gowns and capes like Jesus... the original superhero.
Then I'll try performing miracles. Turning water into wine. Parting Lake Michigan to get to the nice sand dunes on the other side much faster -- and without having to drive through Indiana!
Heck, I may even try to eliminate Indiana. That would be a blessed miracle indeed.
We'll see how this being-like-Jesus-thing goes, stay tuned.