12 Types of People and How to Identify
Them by the Crappy Songs They Love
by Buster Guru
Many people often ask me the big questions like, “Why do we exist at all, Buster?” and “Do mothers of fat kids really think their kids are cute or are they just saying that, Buster?” I know the answers, but they are boring. So I instead present The 12 Types of People and How to Identify Them by The Crappy Songs They Love:
1) Horny Women
Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy by Big N Rich
If you are at the club and you want to get laid badly, ask the DJ to play this song. Watch carefully for the women who squeal in delight when it first comes on. They are horny. They are wearing black Victoria’s Secret thong panties. They are easy. It doesn’t matter if they look innocent or all the wallflower type or whatever. And it doesn’t matter if you are the cowboy type or not; in fact never say you’re a cowboy, because real cowboys never say they are, and you’d blow it. Just buy her two consecutive Sex on the Beach shots, because women who love this song also think those shots are both risqué and hilarious, and she will screw you that night, dude.
I Swear by All-4-One
All accountants are, without exception, boring people. And this song by All-4-One is the #1 most boring song ever. That’s why they love it. Exciting people, such as Navy Seals and people who work at Chipotle, will literally die if they try to listen to the whole song. If you can listen to this whole song without experiencing death, you are an accountant, or should be one.
3) Child Molesters
Baby One More Time by Brittany Spears
You’ve Got It (The Right Stuff) by New Kids on the Block
Jump by Kris Kross and Cannonball by Menudo
Baby One More Time is the national anthem of child molesters. If a man is under the age of 24 and he likes this song by Brittany Spears, he is a child molester. If he likes this song by New Kids on the Block, he is a gay child molester. And if he likes this song by Kris Kross and/or this song by Menudo, he is a multicultural gay child molester. If he is between the ages of 17-23 and he likes these songs, he will become a child molester unless he stops liking these songs and soon. That’s because these songs are absolute crap, and so no adult male could like them in and of themselves. Women meanwhile cannot be child molesters; if they seem to be, it is inevitably because of some man. Finally, even if a man does not like these songs, if he has a mustache, he is a child molester.
4) People Who are On Drugs
Casey Jones and Anything At All by The Grateful Dead
A lot of drugged up people are going to hate me for this unless they sober up, but it’s true: you can’t be sober and like The Grateful Dead, because if you were you’d realize they suck. If you think you are sober and you like The Grateful Dead, you are so jacked up on drugs you don’t even realize you are anymore and you need help, or greasy food. But they rock when you are on drugs, especially that song Casey Jones.
5) Angry Bitches Who Will Eventually Flip Out On You
I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
Watch out for those women who pump their fists in the air and bum rush the dance floor when this song comes on, and who do the finger-pointing-dance at each other and at the guys shuffling their feet nervously on the perimeter of the dance floor. Because these women are the same ones who will, just three weeks into the relationship, falsely accuse you of cheating on them when you didn’t, or when you did but there is no way in hell they could have found that out. These are the same women who, if you marry them, will insist you do your fair share of the chores around the house, and when you divorce them, will not only slash your car tires but also the car tires of the nineteen-year-old Hooter’s waitress you are dating.
Polegnala e Todora by Le Mystere Des Voix Bulgares
It is easy to spot a Bulgarian because they will always have this catchy ditty blaring from their blue Cadillac Escalades … windows down low, bass boomin’ high. The song’s lyrics begin, “Polegnala e Todora, moma Todoro, Todoro, pod darvo, pod maslinovo, moma Todoro, Todoro.”
Roughly translated, this means, “I got bit bad by chiggers, it itches beyond my belief, if a Walgreen’s 24-hour pharmacy was conveniently nearby, I could get some relief.” It is a really beautiful song, especially when you play it backwards.
7) Guys Who Will Eventually Beat Their Women Up
Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood
It is a well-known fact that guys who lived on Greek Row in college and guys from Alabama will routinely beat up their wives, their girlfriends, or both, starting two-and-a-half years into the relationship. But what if you don’t know if a guy was or is in a social fraternity in college, or if he is from Alabama? Well does he love this song? Another way to tell if he’ll beat his women up is if he drives trucks for a living.
8) Women With Fat Asses
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot
You can reliably figure out which women have fat asses by one of two ways: either a) when this song comes on, they screech, throw their hands up in jubilation, pull their blouses or sweaters further down over their asses, and stumble out to the dance floor while all the Size Mediums and lower leave the dance floor. Or b) you can look and clearly see that they have fat asses, even though they are unsuccessfully trying to hide that fact with their long blouses and sweaters.
9) Guys Who Think They’re Gifted Artists, Authors or Musicians and They Shouldn’t Be Working at Best Buy, Damnit
My My, Hey Hey by Neil Young
Guys who think they’re gifted artists, authors or musicians and that they shouldn’t be working at Best Buy, damnit, all wear seemingly old Converse All-Stars, have seemingly unkempt facial hair, and they love this song. But be careful before you make your mainstream assumptions, because these anti-establishment guys who all look, dress, talk and think pretty much the same – that is, different -- and who rebelliously live in the hip, safe neighborhoods in the city or with their moms in the suburbs only seemingly love this song. This song is actually excruciatingly dull and whiney and no one at all really likes it, but that’s what makes it so counter-cultural like American Spirit cigarettes and so ironic like thick black-frame glasses and therefore great. Seemingly.
10) Gay Guys
Oh Mickey by Toni Basil
You don’t have to be a gay male to love this song. You could be a female. Or a bi-sexual male. But you are not a straight male if you like this song. This is not open to discussion. I have witnessed guys dancing and/or singing along to this song who I once thought were straight. They tried to explain that they just liked the song and were secure in who they were and in touch with their emotions. I said basically what you are trying to admit is that you like the stiff rod, don’t you, because straight men are never secure in who they are nor are they in touch with their emotions, Mr. Homo.
11) People Who Will Walk Right By Someone Bleeding to Death in the Street
Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
People who love this song drive Audis, Infinitis or Hummers and live in gated communities. Or they want to. And they believe they’ve already demonstrated they are compassionate and they’ve done their civic duty by loving this song, and by watching Life is Beautiful and maybe even Schindler’s List. It is up to other people who do not yet love this song and who have not yet seen these movies, they believe, to help the person bleeding to death in the street. Especially if that person is an adult, as they believe the children are the future. Do not bleed to death in the street around people who love Whitney Houston in general.
12) Guys With Small Penises
Bawitdaba (My Name is Rock) by Kid Rock
My name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid … Kid Rock! The shorter the penis, the bigger the song. The slimmer the short penis, the louder the guy plays the song. This is scientific fact. And there is no bigger song that gets played louder than this one. Guys who love this song have penises that, fully erect, are no longer than four inches at best. And no wider around than your two fingers (pinky and ring.)
When guys who love this song see this fact published on websites like this one, they will typically post witty comments like, “Fuck you asshole, I’m HUGE and I love this song! So go fuck yourself and die!” and they will feel better and stronger. But having a small penis is not necessarily a bad thing, friend. No, there is no truth to the “It’s how you use it” line that women who feel bad for you use, because if one guy knows how to use his cap gun and the other guy knows how to use his bazooka, which one is going to be far more effective? And guess which one women prefer by a wide margin, no pun intended? But small penises do take less time to wash, and they’re funny.