How I Beat Chlamydia: The Buster Guru Story
Buster Guru has served in all the wars.
Back in high school in Chicago in 1985, Buster was changing in the locker room when this older asshole student came up behind him and flipped him, Judo style, with absolutely no goddamned warning whatsoever. Buster landed on his back and it hurt. I am not racial profiling but the guy was black. He never apologized, go figure, and today I think this prick works as the manager of a Payless Shoe Store in a suburb of Chicago named Schaumburg.
Several years later, Buster was switching through progams on TV when a commercial on a Hispanic channel riveted him. “Como se dice RELIEF?” the voiceover man shouted in his thick Southern Mexico accent. “Roooooolaids!”
It was then that Buster knew it was his destiny to be a Hispanic commercial voiceover announcer.
But that didn’t work out.
Buster has dated Lindsay Lohan, Dionne Warwick, and Jean Nate.
Among his many influences, Buster Guru also counts the “Don’t Play Ball in the House” episode of The Brady Bunch, programming Mr. Bojangles dancing on his TI-99 4A computer, The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, and carpeting.
Buster was named "One of the Top 10 Most Influential Marketers with the Self-Appointed First Name of Buster" by a guy at Home Depot.
His valiant effort to save a Pampas deer from slipping into a sinkhole in Paraguay was seen and "Liked" by millions worldwide on YouTube (Buster ultimately saved the deer, but only minutes later it was choked to death by a Paraguayan onlooker.)
Through all these trials and tribulations, Buster has remained the most respected, revered, legendary and attractive marketing guru in the world, and Caucasian. He is somewhat well-endowed, and likes gum and helping people.
Most of this isn't true, by the way, but some of it is.