Funny Quotes and Sayings ...
The All-Time Top 25 as Ranked by the World's #1 Expert

Funny quotes and sayings you want? The top 25 funny quotes EVER you got ... as ranked by the world's #1 expert of these things.

Go ahead and republish these funny quotes and sayings on your blog, Facebook page, other social media, or write them in permanent marker on your best friend's pelvic region.

Go ahead and memorize your favorites of these funny quotes and sayings and recite them at the office, at birthdays, weddings, funerals, in the shower, or while making love to someone special or hot or inexpensive.

Funny quotes and sayings as good as these are meant to be savored, like fine wine and Nacho Cheese Doritos... they're meant to be shared, like love and vaginas... and most of all they're meant to be laughed at, so laugh, unless you are stupid.

The Funny Quotes and Sayings...


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres


All generalizations are false, including this one.
- Mark Twain


When you are lonely, and feel like you don't have a friend in the world, just remember... people tend to avoid people who are like that.
- Buster Guru



If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- George Burns



Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Oscar Wilde



I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen



Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
- Margaret Meade
 
 
 
humorous saying

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde



I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin



If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- Steven Wright



My friends tell me I need to be more like Jesus. So I'm growing this beard.
- Buster Guru



Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
- Jack Handey



There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
- Oscar Wilde



I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Emo Philips



The thing about smart people is that they seem like crazy people to dumb people.
- Unknown



I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- Mae West



Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno



It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld



I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright



All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
- Lewis Black



I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny


I do not advocate violence. I advocate peace. And then just when my opponent believes me, I punch him in the face.
- Buster Guru



My wife and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield



When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
- Will Rogers

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