How to Insult and Degrade Bullies,
Poopy-Pants Bastards, and Terrorists
by Buster Guru
“A quote at the beginning of an article just like this makes it seem like you really know what you are talking about. Especially if you put it in italics.” – Anna K. Lanakay, Made Up Expert
If you are a kid yourself, here is some life advice for you that is far better than any advice you are getting from your parents, teachers, friends or drug dealers. And if you are a parent, grandparent, pediatrician, circus clown, ice cream truck driver, or other person of interest in a child’s life, please pass this important advice on to them.
Kids, if other kids pick on you, bully you, or somehow make you feel even smaller and more insignificant than you already are, you have to understand this:
Those kids doing the bullying have some very serious self-esteem issues of their own. They are also insignificant and stupid, and deep down this bothers them even more than it bothers you. It is very likely, in fact, that behind closed doors at home their father routinely bullies them -- insults them, beats them, or worse -- because they are so insignificant and stupid.
(And yes, it is always the father, and if it seems to be the mother she should not be held accountable because ultimately she is always doing it because of the father, no matter who or where he is, and because of her own father too. The moment a man becomes a father he is horrible. Fathers are horrible; they are synonymous with horrible. They are always to blame. Remember that.)
Anyway, it’s all about understanding. You have to understand that the worthless punk asses bullying you feel even worse about themselves than you do. They in fact hate themselves, and rightfully so. It is so sad.
And it is your job to rub that back in their faces.
If you want to become anything worthwhile in this world, like one of the top five on American Idol or a Victoria’s Secret supermodel, you have to realize that tolerance and forgiveness have their place, like in Tibet and in Academy Award-winning movies and Wayne Dyer books, but they are, like, so dumb in the real world.
You have to get back at, and do it better than, the chubby zit-infested little pricks trying to get you.
Now I don’t advocate shooting them. That is for grown-ups and older teenagers who play violent video games.
If you can appropriately punch them, go ahead and start there. But I suspect that if you could punch them, you already would have. You are likely concerned that they would punch you back, and likely harder and more often and more accurately, which would be inappropriate on their part. If that is your concern, you are probably right and you shouldn’t punch them, you little pussy.
Which brings us to the key life advice of this article. How to most effectively insult the little shits who try to bully you.
I am going to start with a correct assumption: you are not all that witty.
(Though they think they are, most kids these days are not all that witty, and they know it. They grew up watching That’s So Raven, which is even more horrible than fathers, and even less funny, and that has spoiled an entire generation’s wittiness. Oh, snap! Meanwhile my generation grew up staying home from school and watching The Courtship of Eddie’s Father reruns, and that’s what qualifies me to write this.)
So since you are not so witty – since you can’t even wear baggy jeans exposing half your checkered boxers and be black and spew out insults like “You’re momma’s so fat when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton” – you’re next best bet is to memorize and practice using insults and comebacks that have proven themselves throughout the ages.
These time-tested insults and comebacks paralyze even the cruelest of bullies. Pull one of these and it’s like an instant “Checkmate!” even if they have all their other pieces on the board. That was an allusion to the game of chess, by the way, and if you play chess you are an automatic loser.
So I’ll present the best of these classic insults and comebacks by age group. Here’s how to do this: find your age and read what is under it. Okay?
Toddler to 6 ½ Years
If you’re in this age group and some poopy-pants little bastard whose grandpa cages him up when he gets home from school is all routinely up in your shit, here’s the one and only comeback you’ll ever need to anything he says or does:
“I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces off me and sticks to you!”
This has been in use by kids your age since balls were invented in Mesopotamia back in the Middle Ages, and here’s why: it works.
It reverses everything anyone bullying you could possibly say or do. Perpetually. It is the ultimate way to frustrate your opponent.
If they call you “Fattie Pattie,” see, it is like they are throwing a round ball called Fattie Pattie and because you are rubber, it is simply bouncing off of you and heading right back at them. (It is implied that you are a flat rubber surface, by the way, and that they throw well.) And because they are glue, it is actually sticking to them … for good. They can’t get it off. It is Gorilla Glue. In other words, THEY are actually Fattie Pattie!
So if they make fun of your momma, they are actually making fun of their momma! If they kick you in the ribs – and of course you manage to gasp it out, “I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces off me and sticks to you!” – guess whose ribs actually end up aching for days!
6 ½ to 7 Years
You have a thin window of opportunity to use this effectively; after age seven it is rather immature. I also want to stress it is all in your timing and delivery, so practice, practice, practice various scenarios.
Here’s what you do: when someone is about to degrade you in any way, such as bringing up the fact that your parents drive a Kia, stick your index fingers (those are the ones you primarily pick with) in your ear, one per ear, and say, “La La La!”
Say it really loud, Pee Wee Herman style.
The crueler the insult you anticipate being hurled your way, my young friend, the louder you say it. For example, it’s “LA LA LA!” if your last name is Buttafuoco and they’re about to call your family the “Butt Fucks,” or if you grew up in Idaho and they’re about to call your family the “Idahoans.”
Here’s why this works wonders for demoralizing your opponent: they think you can’t hear them. Degrading you makes them feel much better about being forced to eat dog food at home, but they can’t degrade you if you can’t even hear them! Now that dog food will taste even more like dog food to them. Get it?
They WILL try to repeat the insult again after you finish your “La La La”s. So be prepared to stick your fingers right back in your ear and “La La La” yet again. Some opponents are quite tenacious and will try multiple times to get you to hear the insult before pulling your hair, so you be more tenacious. When I was your age, for example, I once “La La La”’d Danny the Half-Year-Older-Than-Me-Albino-Asshole next door for three straight days. Then he threw paint at our house.
Finally, just to drive home how powerful “La La La!” can be, imagine if Clint Eastwood delivered that famous line, “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do you I feel lucky?’ Well do ya, punk?” to that bad guy he was threatening to shoot in Dirty Harry that you probably have never seen since you are 6 ½ to 7 years old. But now imagine that bad guy had his fingers in his ears and said “La La La!” during that line. It would have killed the whole scene. I think you know exactly what I’m saying.
8 to 13 Years
A lot of nuclear-level insults and comebacks become available to you in these years, and good thing, as your bullies’ taunts tend to escalate because they’re all now on steroids and PCP at this age.
One of the best of the best is, “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh.”
Now despite appearances, you don’t just use this if your pistol-packin’ foe is trying to be funny on your account. If he gets up in your business and says, “You’re momma so fat she has to leave the state sideways,” you certainly will trump him by saying -- straight-faced with just a little cocking of the head -- “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh.”
But it is in fact even more effective to pull this uranium nugget out if you are being seriously threatened. Follow along:
The Bully: “Your ass is grass after school, motherfucker!”
You: “Well that’s so funny I forgot to laugh.”
You see what I’m saying? That will freeze any bully, especially if they are on PCP. Because it’s ironic, like Yuppie kids drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. And irony is superior to everything.
Here’s a couple more, but before I hand these out I have something to confess, and this is the point in the literary piece where I drop a bomb and you’re all like “Oh wow, oh my God” because it completely shifts your perspective on why I’m actually giving this important advice, which is deep-seated personal guilt:
I learned the following comebacks the hard way. You see, I grew up in inner-city Chicago, and I went to interracial schools with molesting janitors and fresh blood stains on the walls every day and rats licking it up and all that. And because of my own father, for a time there I was a bully myself.
Now my primary target was the same target as all the other mean kids -- an effeminate boy who sucked at kickball, once wore a pastel green Polo shirt, and was therefore obviously homosexual. If my bullying had just stayed focused on him that would’ve been fine, because we pretty much all picked on him and if you ask any gay guy they’ll tell you they secretly love being humiliated. Only fat Maureen tried to protect him, which made her an obvious lesbian and a fat one at that.
But I also made the mistake of picking on Latrina Jones, who as the name suggests was both female and black. Even if you’re not white and male, even if every day you sit behind her in math class and watch the overabundance of Jheri Curl stuff drip off her hair and down the back of the blue plastic chair, you don’t ever call a black girl named Latrina “Latrine-head Latrina.”
From Latrine-head Latrina I first personally experienced the paralyzing sting of “Talk to the hand cuz the face don’t understand.” She didn’t merely say it, either; it erupted from her body. She’d flip her back to me, throw her right hand up behind her to startle my senses with the palm of her hand, and then she’d deliver that venomous barb.
“Talk to the hand cuz the face don’t understand.”
And here’s the thing: if their face indeed don’t understand, you just cannot talk to someone’s hand.
You can’t insult a hand, you can’t even apologize to a hand. It doesn’t hear you, and it doesn’t respond. It’s just a goddamned deaf, dumb and mute hand. But really that pale palm becomes a canvas to your own soul, and you’re forced to confront those inner-demons like your own horrible father and The Courtship of Eddie’s Father and you vow to never insult a black girl again except in your head or if you’re in the car alone.
Latrine-head also often responded to my taunts with “Ax me do I care?” and I’d always fall for it and ax her if she cared and she’d say “No.” And let me tell you she meant it. I always axed her and she always didn’t care.
Those helped to reform my own bullying, and so if you ever find yourself in a real pickle with someone saying your face looks like monkey’s ass or threatening to stab you, pull either one of those out and watch what happens. And you can thank Latrine-head.
I’m Done Writing This
If you’re still getting bullied, picked on, spit at, roughed up and knifed by the age of fourteen, it is time to practice acceptance: you probably deserve it. I am also getting bored with writing this piece and I have to pee, so that has something to do with it.
But I will give you one more that you can use till you’re twenty-one … the Godzilla of all comebacks, the Greg Brady, and it is this:
This is the most effective and versatile comeback of all time. In fact, for all the bullies reading this – and yes, I anticipated you would be reading this in order to stay one up on your victims, bullies are crafty like that and they like to read – “Not!” can also be a powerful and vicious insult if handled properly.
For example, with a sincere smile tell an ugly and insecure sixteen-year-old girl, “You know, I think you are actually quite pretty and I want to know if you’d like to go to the prom.”
Then just press your hold button. Patience. Wait for her face to brighten up, wait for her to get a sliver of hope that you are actually serious. And then land it: “Not!”
But I’m not here to help all you bullies and terrorists and jerk-heads.
So back to the real victims in all of this: the victims.
“Not!” is undoubtedly the greatest comeback of all time to any insult, threat or even constructive criticism because it is easy to remember, even people with Japanese accents can say it without sounding funny, it completely obliterates anything anyone is saying or doing, and it ends in the hard “T” sound, which makes you sound super powerful (for this reason, “Nah!” doesn’t work as well.)
A few examples:
The Bully: “Your mother is so dumb the mind-reader gave her 50% off!”
Result: Your mother isn’t so dumb after all.
The Bully: “You better get the fuck outta here before I pop a cap in yo’ fat bitch ass!”
Result: You get to stay and he has to leave.
The Bully: “You’re going to have to study harder and complete your assignments if you want to pass this class.”
And so there you have it. I have dramatically improved your life for the next fifteen or so minutes, which is what we life coaches and self-help gurus do. You feel less pointless and worthless than you are, and that is success.
Get out there and crush all those lost and lonely souls who are out to get you … and all those lost and lonely souls who you incorrectly believe are out to get you, too, because you can never be too sure.
Now I’m going to go pee.