How to Subtly Take Things Out on your Children
by Buster Guru
One reason to have children is so that they can achieve everything that you were never able to achieve.
If you wanted to be the hero of your high school football team but couldn’t even catch a cold, for example, it is a good idea to have a son and push him very hard to live your dream. If he seems to want to be, say, a furniture salesman instead, you should ground him and demean him until he realizes his destiny; if he seems a lost cause, take advantage of the furniture discount and have another son.
As another example, if you always wanted to be the most popular girl in school but you were ugly and you still are, I recommend having a daughter. You should coat her in makeup, dress her in high heels and frilly dresses and enter her in beauty pageants before the age of seven -- and make sure she wins, that is very important -- so everyone will finally realize how beautiful you really are.
Another reason to have kids is because they present a great opportunity to take out your frustrations with your life.
Now if you do this blatantly, like beating them up, you are not only Satanic, you are stupid. For one, you will get caught long before you’ve had a chance to get all of your frustrations out. For two, when you get caught all the other parents who subtly take their frustrations on their kids will hate you, because you are evil and stupid but way too blatant about it.
So a much more effective way is to be subtle about it, like most good parents.
For example, lets say you are pretty much a typical American adult, which means you are pretty much fat. Overweight. A fucking cow.
Yes, I know it is not really your fault. Genes, the environment, society, certain politicians, and atheists are primarily to blame. French fries, Stouffer’s stuffing, Pizza Hut, Caramel Macchiatos and whatever else you choose to stuff your face with have very little to do with it.
Knowing that, it makes it even more demoralizing to be around thin people who work out and eat right but who just got lucky and that’s why they’re thin. The lucky thin people make you look as fat as you are, even when you wear extra-long sweaters and blouses in a crafty attempt to cover your fat ass.
Fat Kids Make You Feel Better
Kids are, of course, naturally thin. And naturally smaller than you. If kept that way, it can make a frustrating situation even more frustrating for you.
Therefore, it only makes sense for you to fatten them up. In addition to making sure they have bad genes and other bad excuses like you, you can moderately help the cause by having plenty of wholesome foods like white bread, soda pop, potato chips, Kraft Macaroni N Cheese, and Hot Pockets around the house.
As for vegetables, avoid anything green and leafy and opt for ketchup or catsup. Say yes to Happy Meals and, later in their growth, Double Whoppers with Cheese, and in fact say yes to anything they whine for, including plenty of Tootsie Pops (each little round ball of sugar may seem insignificant unto itself, but fortunately they do add up.)
Also, don’t encourage them to go outside and play. That promotes both exercise and also free-thinking, which would make them more prone to figure out what you’re up to and give them the physical ability to overpower your dumpy self.
Here’s a mantra you will want to repeat: “TV and video games.”
Keeping them in front of TV and video games for hours keeps you in control and they don’t even know it, and it prevents them from burning calories they’d otherwise be burning outside. Plus TV and video games make great babysitters so you can watch TV in another room like you deserve to.
Now I realize this is not groundbreaking advice, as we are seeing more and more fat parents with “she’s just big-boned” children. It’s epidemic in fact, and that’s encouraging. What’s more, we’re even seeing more and more thin parents further increasing their self-esteem by raising fat kids. (If you’re in this category, it is important to tell people “It’s cute,” so they can uncomfortably smile and nod as if they agree.)
Still, many parents have not got the message, or have not got it loud enough: the fatter your children are, the thinner you look and feel. And that is
As another example, let’s say you are a typical married man. You are fat, and you hate your marriage because your wife doesn’t respect your needs because she got fat. Plus it seems like every day she is getting older.
Yes, the Internet can be a useful way to give you what you deserve and enhance the sex life you are having alone, what with all of those nineteen year old girls, give or take three years, in those tiny pink g-strings who you just know, in your heart of hearts, wouldn’t feel like vomiting and would instead get weak-kneed at the site of your three chins and your very sexy pale hairy enormous gurgling gut. But that is only temporary satisfaction because those girls are all kept in some room in Russia, and you are still married.
A more long-term satisfying way to take out your frustrations with your large wife who insists on getting older is with your daughter. I don’t mean like that, you pervert. I mean by gently criticizing your daughter’s weight and the way she looks and dresses in general. No age is too young to start doing this.
If your daughter is ten and dresses “tomboy,” you can say things like “When I was your age I always liked girls who look like girls.”
If your daughter is just twelve and dresses like a damned slut, you can say things like “You are just twelve and you dress like a damned slut.”
If your daughter is sixteen and select rolls of her big-boned-ed-ness are plumping out of the tight violet polyester blouse she has on, you can say things like “Your friend Marcy looks like she’s been losing weight” or “You look more and more like your mother every day.”
Now of course this feels good because you are exercising the awesome power of fatherhood knowing your words will impact your daughter for the rest of her life.
But it is also sending your wife a VERY loud and clear message: “Honey, I am a major jackass because of you.” If she doesn’t get thinner and younger on hearing that, it may be time to get even more involved with the Internet.
There are many other ways to subtly take out your frustrations in life on your children. If you hate your job because you were born to be kissing Brad Pitt on the big screen versus selling stapler parts to stapler processing plants, make sure your children hate living in the oversized house whose mortgage keeps you shackled to the damned mind-numbing stapler job in the first place. It’s only fair.
If you’re angry because no matter how many instant wealth seminars you attend you’re still not wealthy, keep attending them because they’re making the people who give them wealthy, and in the meantime don’t fall for your children’s “I want to be an artist” crap – make them go to business
If you remember nothing else, remember this (cut this out of your computer screen and tape it to your stainless steel refrigerator if you need to):
Children are like sponges. Your job as a parent is to be the mess they spend their entire lives cleaning up.