Why The Law of Manipulation Blows the
Stinking Law of Attraction Away
by Buster Guru
The Law of Attraction, popularized by the mega-ultra-bestselling book The Secret and by millions of organic psychic Tantric women from the moon who are experts in crystals, quantum mechanics, granola, and everything in the beautiful Universe, is total bullshit.
Yes, I realize there is indisputable proof that it really works, both on the back of and inside all sixteen thousand and seven spinoff books about The Law of Attraction in the form of testimonials from the organic psychic Tantric people themselves.
I realize God Himself manifested as usual in the form of Oprah Herself said it works, kind of.
I realize even the impartial websites of the guys with all-white hair who sell Law of Attraction books, audio programs, bumper stickers and taffy say it works.
But it absolutely does not, except slightly at fast food restaurants which I will get to.
Basically, The Law of Attraction states that wherever your thoughts are focused, that is what your reality will be. So if you really want something, target your thoughts hardcore style at that thing you want, as persistently as herpes attacking your genitals, and you will get that something, just like herpes gets your genitals.
Viciously target your conscious thoughts, The Law of Attraction states, but also be sure to target your unconscious thoughts that you aren’t in control or aware of at all. That’s very important.
And if you can just do this for twenty-four hours per day, every day, for as long as it takes, instead of thinking about other things like changing your baby’s diapers or providing stellar customer service or sexing up your husband, your wish will eventually be granted, guaranteed.
But if you can only focus your conscious and unconscious thoughts on your wish twelve-hours a day, your wish still will eventually be granted, but add 50% to eventually. Only six hours per day? Add another 50%. And so on. So if you can only devote one hour per day to targeting your mind on that thing you really want, you WILL get it, though it may take several centuries.
That’s The Law of Attraction in a nutshell, a nutshell that I manifested.
But Here’s The Problem
Yes, though this would seem to make sense to any perfectly reasonable person who believes that wolves and geraniums talk to them and that flax seeds taste good, there is one fatal flaw:
It’s total bullshit.
Well it’s almost total bullshit. I will grant that The Law of Attraction works at McDonald’s and sometimes Burger King.
When you crave a Big Mac, or a Double Whopper with Cheese – like you do right now, since I brought it up – they definitely dominate your conscious and unconscious mind. It’s all you can think of. In fact it’s deeper than that: you can feel that first greasy delicious bite along every single one of your energy meridians and to the very core of your inner chi.
So you manifest a McDonald’s or a Burger King up the road, you manifest your order at the drive-thru with the large teenage girl who always sounds like she hates you, and indeed, you do get your burger.
However about half the time at Burger King they include onions when you said not to, or they forgot the goddamned cheese.
But The Law of Attraction works at McDonald’s and sometimes Burger King because, like black holes and David Copperfield shows, these places exist outside the realm of the laws of physics. They’re two of the largest chains in the world, after all.
But back in the regular world, The Law of Attraction is enforced about as much as The Law of Not Jaywalking, which is a fancy urbane way of repeating that it does not work.
Take people who have been tortured, for example.
If you have ever known someone who has been held captive and tortured for weeks, months or years, you know that if anyone has ever had his intentions laser-focused on a specific desired outcome, it is this person. And it’s not losing the cottage cheese in his thighs or marrying a movie star.
Yet no matter how much he intends otherwise, the water-boarding, the electric shocks and the being suspended in mid-air by his wrists goes on and on. He cannot seem to manifest his release. Often he suffers to death.
Same goes for those forced to slavery, those who perished in the Black Plague, and those gassed and incinerated in Auschwitz and Buchenwald. If only they had defined their intention – “I want to get the fuck out of this situation!” – and put more mental energy into manifesting that …
But then they probably never read The Secret.
You also can’t manifest through the power of intention unicorns, an endless stream of hot twenty-two year olds wanting to sleep with you, clean public washrooms, your boss getting hit by a train, a year-round tropical climate on your Midwestern street only, winning the lottery, sprouting wings on your back, everyone in the elevator suddenly singing “We are the World” simultaneously, or anything.
Instead what sucks is that at least three other things are far more crucial than targeting your thoughts at what you really, really, REALLY want in order to get it:
1) Yucky hard work.
The people who buy Law of Attraction books, audios, videos, t-shirts and party favors really don’t want to hear this. They want to buy the bullshit they’re being sold, they want to believe that just by thinking mega-lots about what you really want you’re going to get it.
That is convenient and service-oriented, after all, and in the modern American world of microwaves, Hot Pockets, dog walking services and poor Mexicans clearing your leaves for you with those loud leaf blowers, convenient is the way. The Tao.
However, what is so irritating is that it is actually hard work -- doing something, not thinking about it -- that will get you what you want. Except unicorns.
For example, I have two friends. And only two friends.
Both have long wanted to write a novel and get it published. One friend talks about it often, and he has bought and studied The Secret and every Law of Attraction spinoff out there. He participates in groups where they discuss The Law of Attraction and how well it is going to work. He has not had his book published yet, and he has not written it yet, and he’s not sure what he’s going to write it about yet, but every day out loud he repeats his intention to do so. So expect big things from him.
Meanwhile for about six months I barely ever saw or heard from the other friend, which really upset me because my real intention is to sleep with her. The reason I barely saw her is because she was working very hard on writing her novel. And she did. And a major publisher bought it and it is being released soon.
I told her, “It’s too bad you’re so stupid and you didn’t know about The Secret. You could have saved yourself a lot of time and a lot of hard work by just intending that book into existence, like Shakespeare and Danielle Steele and Galileo. But I think you have a cute ass.”
"There’s no such thing as luck,” some people – typically the pricks who got lucky – will try to tell you.
And there’s no such thing as my anus, or elves. Those fat truck drivers in flannel shirts who always win millions in the state lottery did absolute jack shit to get that money; they just got lucky. On the flipside, all those people inside the World Trade Center towers, and all those people who get born in Kentucky, did nothing to get so unlucky. They just were.
So when it is a choice between lucky or lucky, my advice is to go with lucky.
3) Making sure that other people’s own desires and intentions don’t interfere with your own.
For example, the torturer’s intention really fucks up the tortured person’s intention, doesn’t it? The slaveholder’s intention fucks up the slave’s, the microscopic viruses’ intention fucks up the plague victim’s, and your boss’ intention fucks up yours.
As another example, say when Oprah retires there are fifteen thousand people who want to take over her role as our She-Jesus, and say that of those fifteen thousand there are six thousand and nineteen who read The Secret and practiced The Law of Attraction to a tee and intended and manifested super well … but only one gets to assume the role as the new She-Jesus.
Well that one victorious woman is the same one who will be proclaiming that The Law of Attraction “really works!” – her testimonial will be on the back of the sequel to the book and you will be like, “Wow, if it worked for her…” – but the other six thousand and eighteen will be like “Fuck this shit, motherfuckers, I was duped. I should’ve worked harder or manipulated my ass off instead of just manifesting!”
Don’t Get Duped.
So because hard work sucks – let’s leave that crap to the Chinese, the Indians, the Mexicans, and the Marines, because it is clearly un-American and un-Deepak-Choprian, thank you very much …
And because only 1 out of every 2445 people reading this will be lucky, and you won’t be that one …
If you want to be successful, beautiful, amazing, wealthy, clean, popular, immortal, young, loved, happy and/or Oprah, I urge you to abide by The Law of Manipulation instead of The Law of Attraction.
Basically, the Law of Manipulation states that if you want something, you should be super-crafty and play upon people’s gullibility, stupidity, weaknesses and even their disabilities if necessary to get it.
You don’t have to feel bad about doing this, either, by the way, because you are not doing it out of malicious intent; you are doing it instead to get whatever it is you want, which means you have a deep purpose.
For example, all of the gurus who sucker people into buying their books, audios and all the rest on The Law of Attraction are actually practicing The Law of Manipulation.
They know people have some mighty big desires, like being wealthy or un-fat or sleeping with Jon Bon Jovi or curing their tuberculosis or all of these. And they know that, except for the Chinese, Indians, Mexicans and Marines, people hate hard work and they’re not lucky.
Well, these poor scum-sucking gurus want to be wealthy and fuck girls twenty years younger than them just like you and me, so they prey on these people’s desires by selling them the promise of convenient and easy, of The Law of Attraction, of “Just keep intending it and it will come true!”
Here’s the real Secret: they’re raking in big money by selling you The Law of Attraction, and that, my broke friend, is The Law of Manipulation at work.
As another example, let’s say Cabbage Patch Kids make a big comeback next holiday season. And let’s say that the hottest Cabbage Patch Kid of all is one dressed in traditional Bulgarian garb.
Let’s say that you have an eight-year-old girl, and all she really wants for the holidays is the Jonas Brothers and Bulgarian Cabbage Patch Kid. And rather than work hard as a parent to teach your child restraint and respect and the true meaning of the fucking holidays, you are a good American and you’d rather purchase her love and acceptance and prevent her from whining even more than she does by getting her that Bulgarian Cabbage Patch Kid no matter what, goddammit.
Well you can intend and manifest and focus your thoughts all you want, Mrs. Organic Psychic Tantric Milf, but you call Toys R Us and Target and they’re already out of the toy for the season.
And when you get to Wal-Mart there’s only one single Bulgarian Cabbage Patch kid left there on the shelf, and you’re rushing toward it but so are three other moms including one remarkably obese crater-faced mom who reeks of Pall Mall and Gordon’s vodka but who is still moving fast as diarrhea.
What law do you practice now?
You’re fuckin-A right -- The Law of Manipulation!
You shove your cart in front of them, you yell “Look out behind you!” or “Fire!,” you fart audibly, you knock the end display of Q Tips on sale for $2.49 per box over in their path, you start screaming and pulling at your hair, you spit on the Bulgarian Cabbage Patch Kid … whatever it takes to make success and happiness YOURS.
And, aside from hard work which is for losers and countries which will soon dominate us, and aside from luck which is only for the lucky ones, THAT is how you get ahead in this world. That and crystals. And tarot cards.