(MARK YOUR CALENDARS! The updated end-of-the-world date isJanuary 1, 2017, according to the level-headed folks in The Sword of God Brotherhood.)
Without over-thinking it, here are the 10 things I decided I (really) wish sinkholes would swallow right away. My heart goes out to the victims of course, but still.
Afterward in the Comments area, I'd love to hear what YOU wish massive sinkholes would swallow too.
Maybe it's obvious, but it's still true. I did have to pause for a moment on this one, though, because The Capital is a really nice and important building (it's the building that houses Congress, for those of you who were high during history class.) But the trade-off -- all of the members of the current Congress, both right and left, being swiftly and completely swallowed along with the building they're all in -- just seems so worth it.
9) Abby Lee Miller and the "Dance Moms" TV Show
If you don't know who Abby Lee Miller is, you are much better off for it. If you have never had to suffer through an episode of the TV show "Dance Moms," you will live longer, because each episode has been proven to suck the damned heart and life out of you. Here's the basic plot-line of every episode: very large, very mean older woman terrorizes a bunch of little girls in leotards into dancing as well as grown-up professional dancers or they will have to commit suicide 7 years down the line. Come, very large sinkhole, and swallow Abby Lee and her horrifying show with it.
In an industry plagued with horrible customer service, AT&T tops them all. Or bottoms them all (?) Trying to accomplish anything working with AT&T "customer service" already feels like 9th circle of Hell, so it just makes sense that a massive sinkhole should swallow it that deeply.
7) Whole Foods
Because it's the most pretentious place on earth. Everyone who shops at Whole Foods believes they are doing something good for humanity just by shopping there. They're saving whales, preventing unwanted pregnancies, helping struggling Costa Rican farmers, and ending gang violence just by overpaying for hemp yogurt. And so they don't actually have to do anything more than shop at Whole Foods to be a great person. Oh, and because they shop at Whole Foods they all believe they're "artists" too. I hope a bunch of massive sinkholes swallows every single one of them rapidly and simultaneously. But not while I'm shopping there, of course.
6) The Academy Awards
I don't know how a sinkhole can swallow an awards show, but previous sinkholes have seemed pretty creative so I'll bet one can find a way. And I hope it does.
Because first of all, does anyone out there actually believe that out of the 21,000 or so movies made each year those that win some sort of Oscar are really the "best"? Or could it have a little somethin' to do with politics? Like who knows who? Like which film team has the bucks to push for an award? And like who blew who days, months, or years before?
Second, most actors are very annoying people, which is why they took to acting as if they are other people in the first place. What kind of person actually sits through the typical three- to sixteen-hour Oscars show watching these annoying people act (rather badly) like they're gracious and wonderful people versus figments of the public's desperate imagination?
Third, the live music and the hosts and the jokes all suck. Always.
5) Abercrombie & Fitch / Aeropostale / Hollister
Remember the kids back in middle-school and high school trying REALLY HARD to be cool? Remember that period you went through where you were trying really hard to be cool too?
Well Abercrombie & Fitch, Aeropostale and Hollister (which are all pretty much the same store, minus the labels) are the meccas for those trapped in that little Hell.
And as those who made it out of that Hell know (but only in retrospect), when you are trying so hard to be cool is when you are at your uncoolest. Dude.
But the real reason all AbercrombieAeropostaleHollisters need to be swallowed by sinkholes immediately is because there are (way too) many adults in their 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond who did not make it out of that stage -- they are still trying way too hard to be cool, and it is the saddest thing on earth -- and these stores are also the mecca for those lost souls.
Swallow all these stores and maybe these "grown-ups" will realize it's time to give up, you're never going to be cool, and it's time to start shopping at Wal-Mart. Or at least Target.
4) McDonald's Bathrooms
I should probably wish for all parts of all McDonald's to be swallowed by giant sinkholes because they are so popular and, no matter how they try to spin it, their food and drink simply is an early death sentence for so many. But their food is also so crappy-delicious. They know the evil they are doing, but they do it so well. So I will just wish for the sinkholes to swallow their perpetually disgusting bathrooms. If that doesn't occur, the suits over at McDonald's corporate headquarters outside Chicago really ought to put a policy in place requiring their bathrooms to actually be cleaned. Hell, at least occasionally.
3) Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea
No matter how many of your own people you torture, Mr. Kim... no matter how many of your own people you starve and repress, Mr. Kim... no matter how many nuclear bombs you fantasize about launching at the happier countries of the world, Mr. Kim... and no matter how many uncles you have that you execute, Mr. Kim... you are still just one horribly ugly man with a super-sized Napoleon complex and one ridiculously awful haircut who means nothing to the rest of the world, except for the mix of repulsion and laughter you provide us.
And hey, massive sinkhole, you can take Mr. Kim's sidekick, Dennis Rodman, too. Sadly that great rebounder was smacked by Karl Malone's elbow one too many times in his green (or orange, or blue, or red, or all of these) head.
Suck the both of them under.
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