I'll bet there are things YOU do that annoy you when others do them. To some extent we're all hypocrites. Hooray for hypocrisy! Here's 10 Things I Do That I Do Not Wan't Others to Do:
10) Hog the Public Bathroom
Yes, I realize there is only one public bathroom in this entire place. But listen, if I gotta go, I gotta go. And if I gotta take a while to go to feel complete relief, then I gotta take a while to go to feel complete relief. And if I gotta chat on the phone then read a magazine while going, well, then I gotta chat on the phone then read a magazine while going. Relax, you'll get your turn. When I'm ready. Eventually.
But if you are in the one public bathroom in the entire place and I gotta go... well then hurry the hell up you self-centered asshole!
I'm glad I'm a man who sleeps with a woman who barely snores. Because if she snored loudly, I'd have to leave her. Or kill her. Just like if I'm staying at a hotel and I can hear some dude in the next room, or two rooms over, snoring loudly, I want to kill him. Just like when my brother-in-law spent the night in the guest room and he snored, I almost killed him. Other people who snore, if I can hear them, need to be killed.
As for my snoring, oh I'm so sorry, but I can't help it. I'm asleep. Plus because I'm asleep, I can't hear it anyway, so what's the big deal?
8) Whistle a Happy Tune
If I'm happy, I'm a' whistlin' out loud for all to hear! Heck, it just tweets out of my lips anyway, without me even being aware of it. Because I'm happy, oh so happy! And I believe the joy of my whistling will lift up your heart and inspire you to enjoy my happiness too!
On the other hand, I don't give a damn if you are having a sunshine day. I don't want to hear you whistling You are My Sunshine. Or whistling any happy song. Or whistling any song at all. It is goddamned irritating. And everyone else around you agrees 100% with me. Despite what you may believe, you are not making anyone else around you happy with your annoyingasfuck whistling. You're like a gnat buzzing around our heads at a picnic. The gnat may be happy that it's found something it likes, but we all want to smack that gnat to death. And we want to smack you to death, happy whistler.
7) Cut Off Cars in Traffic
Listen, if I cut you off in traffic just chill. Don't take it so personally, like I was out to cut YOU off in particular. I wasn't. It could have been anyone I cut off. And we didn't crash or anything, so just Zen out and smile. You need to learn patience and understanding. What if I'm in a hurry because I cut my foot off in a lawnmower accident and I need to get to the hospital? Or I'm late for work and might be fired? Or I'm tired and want to go home? Or I might miss the beginning of Wheel of Fortune? (I hate to watch without knowing a bit about the players.)
But if YOU cut me off in traffic, what kind of psychotic self-absorbed imbecile are you, you PRICK! There are other people out here on the road besides you! Including some with children! But worst than that, you cut ME off in particular! Bad move. I will hunt you down. I will catch up to your vehicle. I will find a way to pull up next to you and make sure you glance at me and suffer the wrath of my middle finger! Prick.
6) Own a Gun
I think no one should be allowed to own a gun except for me. No one else at all, including gangsters, the police, or the military. Just me. That's one law I'd really love to see passed. That way we'd ALL be a whole lot safer. Especially me.
5) Play Music Loud
Do you really think blasting your music is going to make people think you're any less the goofy ass that you are? You're now just a goofy ass who looks even goofier by trying to seem cool by blasting music. What's more, your music SUCKS. Let's be blunt: if music is a reflection of a person's taste, you taste like shit. And your speakers suck too, by the way. I'm not sure how bad they sound in there, but from out here your speakers sound like grandpa masturbating against the wall that holds his entire old beer can collection.
Now if I crank my music on high to 11, different story. Because first of all, my music kicks ass! Why would I play it so high if it didn't? So you need to hear it, I insist. Maybe there's still some hope for you, and you'll become a slightly better person at least for having heard my music. The world needs to hear it, for that matter, because there's still a little room for the world to become a better place. Second, I am awesome. My music is a clear reflection of that. In fact, my music, when played REALLY LOUD, throws a big bright spotlight for you to see just how awesome I am! And I know exactly what you're thinking when you see me bobbing my head to my really loud music... you're thinking, "Damn, I wish I could be that awesome. He's so very awesome."
4) Only Want Attractive People
It is SO shallow when people only want to date those who they find physically hot. It's what is on the inside that counts. It shouldn't matter if someone is fat, or kind of resembles a bulldog in their face, or has hair that looks like a cleaning tool ready for the trash. If that person has a big and beautiful heart that they are ready to share, that is what other people should see in them... especially the really hot people they are interested in dating.
As for me, I'm so LUCKY I found a woman who can see past my physical flaws and loves me for who I really am... for my mind and my heart. A woman, by the way, who is like supermodel-quality hot!
3) Get Drunk
If you're drunk, and I'm not, please shut the hell up. Please go home immediately. Via taxi, by the way. Because despite your belief that you are now a brilliant sexy comedian, you are still not brilliant nor sexy nor a comedian. You are just loud. And still ugly. And now drunk. A loud ugly drunk idiot slurring words and drooling a bit who deserves to be beat up. Go away.
However, when I drink way too much, I am frigging HIL-AR-I-OUS! Seriously, everything I say, do, and think is funny as hell, and everyone I encounter and talk to and insult should just realize how insanely funny I am and flat-out LOVE me for it. The really hot ones should want to sleep with me for it, in fact, and if I'm drunk I'm not afraid to tell them so. What, did I "offend" you by something I said, or something I did, like touching you there "inappropriately"? LIGHTEN UP, little loser... live a little, oh anal one! Life is too short not to let go and completely cross every line you shouldn't cross. Have a shot or five and enjoy!
2) Park Close as Possible to the Door
"God, I hate it when these fat asses driving in their fat-asshole cars circle the parking lot seven times on their lazy-as-fuck mission to nab a parking space as close as possible to the door! That's the reason these slobs all range from XXL to morbidly obese! Get out of my way blubber mama! These lard-guts SHOULD be on a mission to park as far away from the door as possible so they can at least get a little exercise... WALK the distance and burn at least a few calories off your gigantic jiggly Super-Size-Coke-and-Fries asses, you fat lazy slobs!"
This is what I am usually thinking as I sip my Coke angrily while circling the lot seven times trying to get a parking spot as close to the door as possible. And when I do finally get a really close spot, no matter how long it takes, I feel victorious. One of the superior ones. Mission accomplished.
1) Fart in Public
Please, please, PLEASE never fart in public. You sick pig. Having to endure that smell that is simply beyond disgusting, even briefly. Even if we can't quite figure out exactly who did it, you know you did it, and you are a sick pig for doing it. Never do it.
If I have to fart in public, though, I will do my absolute best to make it silent. So no one is quite sure it is me. Plus the scent of mine really don't bother me too much, so it really shouldn't bother you. Sometimes mine are even strangely enjoyable. So enjoy.
- Love, Buster Guru
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And tell me below... what things do YOU do that you hate when others do? :-)