I am not a fat-person basher. In fact, I carry around a few extra pounds in my gut, just in case.
If you are fat, please never say you are going "skinny-dipping."
No you are not. That is impossible.
If you get in the water naked, it's fat-dipping. Or flab-dipping. Or big-boned-dipping.
But it cannot be skinny-dipping.
Please share this with the fat folks.
Jesus saves... and he also BLOCKS!
I got approached on the street by one of those big fans of Jesus today. He shoved his photocopied Jesus pamphlet at me and told me to “Be more like JE-Sus!"
(It's never "Jesus," by the way... it's always "JE-sus!" "Jesus" is for the people who go to church only on the big holidays, but "JE-Sus!" is for the real Jesus buffs.)
I like those people, just like I like the clearly-out-to-steal-your-iPhone mobs of teens and the obnoxious drunks and the crazy-eyed people shouting at the pigeons and squirrels on the streets.
Because they make it fun to walk … it's entertaining trying to avoid them at all costs. Kind of like playing Pac Man and trying to avoid Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde or -- HEAR THE PAC MAN DYING SOUND EFFECT IN YOUR HEAD -- you get assaulted.
Without people like that, walking would be boring... you'd just have to look at trees and architecture and crazy-only-on-the-inside people and YAWWWWN.
But these JE-Sus people on the street -- and on TV, and in the far reaches of my own family for that matter -- have long been telling me to, “Follow JE-Sus! Be more like JE-sus!”
So I'm finally doing it!
I'm growing a beard.
I'm not sure what setting Jesus used on his clippers though, because in some pictures his beard looks like a 10-day and in other pictures it looks like a 30-day. (The Jesus lovers never tell you the important details like that... and when I ask they look at me like I'm the crazy one!)
But I'm going for the 10-day beard, because I read this recent study that found that women think men with 10-day beards are most attractive... more attractive than those who are clean-shaven, who have just a few days of stubble, or have full-blown ZZ Top beards.
So I'll kill two birds with one stone... I'll be more like Jesus while ALSO attracting the ladies!
(Or I guess I should say, I'll raise two birds from the dead with one stone, if I'm being more Jesus-like about it.)
Next I'm going to get one of those gowns and capes like Jesus... the original superhero.
Then I'll try performing miracles. Turning water into wine. Parting Lake Michigan to get to the nice sand dunes on the other side much faster -- and without having to drive through Indiana!
Heck, I may even try to eliminate Indiana. That would be a blessed miracle indeed.
We'll see how this being-like-Jesus-thing goes, stay tuned.
I haven't worked in a corporate office now for over 8 years. And I don't miss much about it... “Hey, it's casual Friday, little monkeys! Let's all celebrate with donuts...” And fuck you.
But I do miss some things.
I miss the free office supplies. I still have a little copy paper left from the many reams I borrowed back in 2005 when I left the corporate world, but my supply is getting low. That's depressing, because that means I may have to go back to doing corporate work soon to get more. I'm using both sides of the paper to prolong the inevitable.
I also miss the sexual harassment. Dearly. What they neglect to tell you in all that sexual harassment training is just how fun perpetrating it really is. Most men and women both actually love the attention... it's just those few bad eggs.
But most of all, I miss the intra-office romances and steamy illicit affairs. Because the office provides such easy pickins' to get laid compared to anywhere else in the world.
You see, it's true there is no "I" in "team," but there certainly is "meat."
I also miss the donuts on casual Fridays.
"I think it’s important to understand that you can’t have 100 percent security and then have 100 percent privacy and zero inconvenience. We’re going to have to make some choices as a society." - President Obama
"Given the scope of these programs, it’s understandable that many would be concerned about issues related to privacy. But what’s difficult to understand is the motivation of somebody who intentionally would seek to warn the nation’s enemies of lawful programs created to protect the American people. And I hope that he is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."
- U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell (more irate about Edward Snowden, who blew the whistle on the government collecting all of our data on calls, etc. without our permission, than about the government collecting all of our data on calls, etc. without our permission)
While on the one hand it's nice to finally see the Democrats and Republicans arm-in-arm on something, it would be far nicer if it wasn't the methodical stripping of our privacy and freedom... a bite-by-bite approach where the bites are each just small enough not to rouse us too much.
I want you, dear reader, to check your shower closely... the shower-head, the drains... because it wouldn't be surprising if they're watching you in there too...
And what will they say when you find out? Well of course...
"We're not watching you. We're watching OUT for you."